


Dungeons and Dragongirls: Tabletop Gamer

by Polkatown



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Monster Girl Encyclopedia, Monster Girl Quest
Genre: Action/Adventure, Bromance, F/M, Harems, Horrible Horrible Violence, Humor, Is that a motherfu-, Loss of Innocence, Multi, Nautical Nonsense, Offensive In Every Way Possible, Porn With Plot, Slow Burn, Violence, gamer - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-03-17 10:46:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18963700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polkatown/pseuds/Polkatown
Summary: TL;DRA couple of nerds jammed into an all too familiar world with the mother of all generic twists-they're gamer characters, but not video games, table top games...Dungeons and Dragons 3.5 edition to be exact. (And a little bit of Pathfinder...and other D20 system games...) Uncensored version of a story originally found on FF.





	1. ECL 0 to ECL Hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who would win? An all powerful being with power over the universe whose sole purpose is entertainment? Or some salty bois?

**_Act 1: Players and Pieces_ **

**_OP:_ ** _ Anthem - Shine On _ **_  
_ ** **_ED:_ ** _ Pink Floyd - Breathe (In The Air) _

**_Chapter 1: ECL 0 to ECL Hero_ **

 

The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, and yes we’re doing this again.

 

Years in the future, two losers a few of you remember fondly for some ungodly reason were talking about inane shit like...talking about the character sheets they just finished?

 

Huh...interesting...maybe that’s the spice I need.

 

But this is boring right this moment, we both know this, and this is an MGQ fanfiction, so let’s get to the good shit eh?

 

Let’s just...there we go. The duo stared at the black holes in their screen, exclamations of confusion ended shortly by their head getting sucked in, their screaming silenced by the voice before the screen absorbed their bodies.

 

Vore count: 1

 

Let’s hope that doesn’t go any higher, but with these two? Who knows.

 

\----

 

It was a beautiful day for a baptism, Ilias thought, well, if it wasn’t for that snake bitch over there.

 

Her disgusting fucking face looked on smugly, as if she had any chance in the universe of defeating her.

 

God that slut probably thought those defiling tattoos looked  _ good _ .

 

She geared up her magic to teach her the lesson she should of taught some time earlier- it was an odd place for a final battle honestly, but she really didn’t care right now.

 

Magic weaved- commanded by her godly might, she felt it shift to her will...until something happened.

 

A hole appeared in existance and she flinched.

 

The duo really didn’t know what to make of the hole- that is until two humans shot out at speeds she couldn’t react to and slammed into her face- she heard a meaty thwack on the other end of the portal though, so that was the silver lining at least.

 

She grimaced though as the duo of...things? Fell, but she noticed in her expanded senses that that snake bitch was flying off...and as they fell she thought quickly.

 

Something was intruding on her domain, and brought these two here- there was a purpose, she thought, and decided to use her head on this issue.

 

A flick of the energy and the portal closed and the two boys floated over to a haypile, plopping down in a heap.

 

She sighed, conjured, and looked at herself in the mirror.

 

Her godly hair was messed up! She had to get it fixed  _ now _ .

 

\----

 

And so Ilias flew away, unwittingly abandoning Luka to his fate...if it wasn’t for two variables.

 

Let’s go check up on them, eh?

 

\----

 

“What in the jesus fucking christ did I fucking do to myself?” T groaned, eyes blinded, and his body itchy as all hell for some reason, a headache thumping in his head with immense, immense pain.

 

He dug himself out of the pile like some retarded chimp, kicking something that yelled in pain in the process as he toppled out of the pile of hay and slammed his face into the ground like an idiot, his mouth screaming out in pain as he wiggled out entirely of the hay and started rubbing his face while rolling around.

 

The other one of the duo crawled out of the pile, and fell down in a similarly stupid way- but this time he fell into something decently soft.

 

T’s solar plexus.

 

T couldn’t even groan in pain as he clawed Cody off of him and clutched his stomach in pain.

 

“Holy fuck...what the hell is going on?” Cody questioned, rubbing his aching forehead and looking around him, “T? I’d ask if you’re fucking with me, but you looked just as messed up about this…” he then noticed something off about his forearm...a black piece of metal?

 

He stared at the object embedded into his arm in perplexed silence for a moment, scratching at it to see if he could get it loose. It didn’t budge. He jumped slightly when a screen popped open in front of him.

 

**[Name: Cody]**

**[Race: Human]**

**[Class: Expert Lvl 1]**

**[Attributes: STR 16 DEX 16, CON 10, INT 12, WIS 16, CHA 14]**

**[HP: 6]**

**[AC: 16, Touch 16, Flatfooted 10]**

**[Initiative: +3]**

**[Speed: 30ft]**

**[TAB: +3 Melee, +3 Ranged]**

**[Saves: Fort 3, Reflect 3, Will 4]**

**[Weapons:]**

**{Unarmed Strike: 1d6}**

**[Feats:]**

**{Monk Abilities}**

**{Improved Grapple}**

**{Able Learner}**

  
  


There was a section titled ‘notes’ that Cody read ‘I would’ve made you a monk because you like punching the shit out of things, but that’s a shitty class, so I’ve decided you can opt to take ‘monk abilities’ as your generic class feature. 

 

Monk Abilities: A  **[Insert Generic Class Here]** adds her class level to her monk level to determine her class-based AC bonus, her unarmed damage, her unarmored speed bonus, and the number of daily attempts of her Stunning Fist feat. If she has no monk levels, she gains the AC bonus, unarmed damage, and unarmored speed bonus of a monk whose level equals her   **[Insert Generic Class Here]** level. An  **[Insert Generic Class Here]**  does not count her class levels for the purpose of determining when she gains any other monk class features, such as reduced penalties for flurry of blows attack rolls, bonus feats, evasion, or other special abilities.

 

Generic classes can emulate some class features, right? I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.’ - the GM.

 

Cody grunted, “Great...great...no flurry of blows, thanks GM…” he thought.

 

T rose slowly wheezing after a minute “I...don’t fucking...know...fuck…” he said, letting out a noise like a dying squeaky toy on its last legs.

 

That was when the duo noticed the screaming.

 

“What the fuck?” T said, finally recovering from the plexus blow as he looked past the haypile and noticed...everyone was a medieval villager?

 

“What in the flying fuck?” T intoned as he stared at the ren faire rejects- god they were ugly, but he noticed an oddity. A small boy running towards the forest, something about him being familiar as T watched him sprint off...the kid had purple hair.

 

“First level monk? Attribute scores?” Cody questioned the world around him, though it didn’t hear him because the planet doesn't have any fucking ears.

 

“Cody the fuck you talking about?” T asked, looking back over confused, distracted by the mention of gamer shit- what a nerd.

 

“Touch the thing in your arm,” Cody ordered T, as from T’s point of few he was just looking at an invisible book he held up in one hand.

 

“The thing on my what?” he asked, rolling his american flag jackets sleeves up, coming up with nothing the first time and the little black shrapnel in his arm “What the fuck?” he said quietly as he touched it and marveled as in a flash of glowing light a book appeared “What the fuck?!” he said louder, using his large vocabulary to describe his confusion.

 

A regular word wizard ain’t he?

 

“Level one crusader?” it was then that T noticed Cody’s book “Wait where’d you get that fuckin- wait I couldn’t see it...Maybe if someone doesn’t have one of these out they can’t see any of them? Weird.” T said, using his brain like a champ for once as he looked back at his sheet more thoroughly, the front page taken up by...basic information from the looks of it, the next page was… a 3.5 sheet huh?

 

He flipped back and looked the simplified info over.

 

**[Name: Tristan]**

**[Race: Human]**

**[Class: Crusader Lvl 1]**

**[Attributes: STR 16, DEX 12, CON 16, INT 14, WIS 12, CHA 14]**

**[HP: 13]**

**[AC: 10, Touch 10, Flatfooted 10]**

**[Initiative: -5]**

**[Speed: 30ft]**

**[TAB: +4 Melee, +2 Ranged]**

**[Saves: Fort 6, Reflex -1, Will 2]**

**[Weapons:]**

**{Unarmed Strike (Nonprofeciency!!!): 1d3+4}**

**[Feats:]**

**{Combat Expertise}**

**{Improved Trip}**

**{Knock Down}**

**{Able Learner}**

**[Maneuvers 5, Readied 5, Granted 2, Stances 1]**

**{DS: Vanguard Strike}**

**{DS: Crusader’s Strike}**

**{WR: Leading The Attack}**

**{WR: Douse the Flames}**

**{SD: Charging Minotaur}**

**(WR: Lead the Charge Stance)**

 

He browsed over the sheet, eyes reading through it quickly as he realized something with some horror and wonder.

 

“Wait, Tristan? Does that...Am I? Is this really fucking happening?” he asked out loud to himself, but something also spooked him.

 

Who’d done this to him?

 

Cody’s book ‘folded’ back into nothing and he took an impromptu stance-perfect-like he was straight out of a an old martial arts movie that showed off at least some practical technique rather than overblown movements.

 

It came naturally to him, like it was ingrained in his muscle memory since he was born. 

 

“This...I admit, I’m a fucking nerd and tried to replicate shit like this, this feels off...like I’m not really doing it from my own knowledge, it’s really hard to explain…” Cody announced to T and lowered his stance.

 

T scratched the back of his head before looking around and noticing something...a pitchfork. He picked it up, wondering if- and once T thought of fighting his body moved, his form in a spear form he  _ knew _ he had no idea how to do this...well.

 

“I...I get what you mean. It’s like I’m not in control of my body.” T said, shaking himself out of the stance, rubbing the back of his neck as the pitchfork felt so natural in his hands it was  _ uncanny _ .

“What are your bonus languages?” Cody further questioned.

 

“Elven and Celestial, you?” T asked, quirking a brow.

 

“Mine too, both of those…” he blinked, then began to speak in Elvish.

 

“Can lle rangwa sina?” Cody asked ‘Can you understand this?’ in Elvish, “Holy shit that was weird…I’ve never spoke another language before outside of one word memes…”

 

“Ta's nostale en' weird tanya lle randomly fit english words e' im i' elvish” T said, exclaiming ‘It's kind of weird that you randomly fit english words in between the elvish.’ he said, realizing they didn’t have a word for ‘Words’ but a word for ‘Word’ which was ‘Beth’.

 

God that was a weird fucking language- maybe he needed to speak in tongues to get it all to work right? Elves seemed pretentious enough to do that.

 

“Quirks aside, where are we?” Cody suggested they’d find out, looking around at the screaming people they were ignoring-they both had the ‘detached’ trait afterall.

 

T shrugged and turned- and then everything went wonky as he felt he was forced to think of dice being rolled.

 

**[Check DC: 15][Gather Information Check: 6+2=8, CHECK FAILED.]**

 

He tried his best to get anyone's attention, but with all the screaming and confusion he found he just couldn’t, all he learned was that, well, people were screaming.

 

Cody stepped away to attempt the same thing, experiencing a similar sensation in the back of his mind, however his had a bit more of a positive outlook. 

 

**[Check DC: 15][Gather Information Check: 20+2=22, CHECK SUCCEEDED!]**

 

A woman seemed to instantly notice Cody’s confusion as he approached her, she stopped trying to get into her house and let him speak what he needed to say.

 

“What’s going on?” he asked simply.

“The guards spotted a monster outside of town-didn’t hear what, a hero boy ran off to fight her!” she filled him in, and...felt calm? Did this boy calm her down a little bit by speaking?

“Alrighty, thanks ma’am,” Cody replied with a faked smile, then reported back to T.

 

“There’s a monster at the edge of town, and a ‘hero boy’ went after it...I think it was that purple haired fucker who’s like...six inches shorter than I am,” and Cody was pretty damn short. Every girlfriend he’s ever had was taller than him-albeit they were all particularly tall since that was his type.

 

“Wait, shorter? Maybe he was a kid...shit, man we should go after him, it seems he’s the only one going out.” T said, resolutely, pushed on by the feeling the pitchfork gave him in his hands.

 

Cody nodded, “drag him out of there, surely a ‘monster’ can’t be  _ that  _ bad...probably a big wolf or something…” Cody looked around the area, “that’s assuming we time traveled…I bet I could fuck up a wolf.”

 

“Hopefully it’s just fuckin’ that and not anything else.” T said, getting a niggling feeling in his gut about what was going on as he ran past the waves of people- the amount pitter pattering out quickly enough that he could easily run into the forest with Cody by his side.

 

Soon enough they ran into the duo, a purple haired lad with a sword on his knees looking on glaze eyed as the slime just stared at him confused.

 

He looked like he was praying and mumbling something about ‘Tutorials’ which was…weird.

 

“Cody is that a real life fucking slime girl?” T said, blinking as he raised himself into stance, getting ready for the incoming brawl.

 

“...I...yup...that’s a real life slime girl,” Cody replied quietly, “You know, I feel like I’m taking this situation all too well.”

 

“It’s probably all the fiction shit we eat on a daily basis.” T threw out his theory

 

“She even has a belly button? That’s kinda cute...gross though, because fuckin’ slimes,” Cody added.

 

“I’m a fucking degenerate, but like, yeah nah fuckslave is not the kinda job I want.” T said, rolling his shoulders as the slime spoke up.

 

“Well isn’t this just a buffet! Two main courses and a tasty side dish! Now get over here you two~!” she said, attempting to be sensual.

 

Cody cracked his knuckles, “Eat shit and die, rapist asshole, now fuck off before we lay some hurt on ya!” Cody picked up the purple hair kid’s sword and handed it to T.

 

T tossed the pitch fork away and took the longsword, the blade feeling better in his hand then the pitchfork as he grinned “Fall off your fucking horse.” T said, making an obscure reference as the duo heard the dice roll.

 

**[Initiative: T 17-5=12, C 2+3=5, Slime 7-5=2]**

**[Order: Tristan, Cody, Slime]**

 

T felt something flow through him, some...higher power guiding him as he felt out...two of his techniques!

 

**[Inspiration rolled: Access to Vanguard Strike and Douse the Flames!]**

 

T decided to charge in, sprinting forth as he gripped the longsword in two hands and swung, his stance thrumming through him as he swung at the slime.

 

**[Hitting: 4][Attack Roll: 19+6=25, CRITICAL STRIKE!]**

**[Damage Roll: 4+4+1=9*2=18 damage!]**

 

T sliced through the slime diagonally, cleaving a violent slash through it, T felt his ‘turn’ come to a close...until something else flashed in him.

 

**[10 damage dealt! KNOCK DOWN ACTIVATE! Free Trip Attempt gained!]**

**[Strength Check Contest!: T 19+7=26, Slime: 19+0=19. Trip succeeded!]**

**[Hitting: 4][Trip Attack Roll: 10+8=18, Attack Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 1+4=5 damage!]**

**[Damage Total: 23!-54HP=31HP]**

 

T shoved the blade through the slime and slashed sideways- bisecting her as she fell over onto herself, becoming prone because of the humanoid form she had forced herself in, allowing him to trip an ooze he otherwise wouldn’t be able to trip.

 

T felt his portion of the ‘round’ end as she lay on the floor, Cody’s starting right after.

 

Cody took his move action, taking a running start and sliding passed T and next to the slime, he slammed his palm forward into the slime’s head...

 

**[Hitting: 4] [Attack Roll:2+3+4(Prone) = 9.  Attack Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 6+3 ]**

**[Damage Total: 9!-31HP=21HP]**

 

Chunks of the slime girl’s face were kicked into the air as Cody freed the beast on the slime woman that was at his mercy on the ground in front of him.

 

She quivered in pain- the boy was one thing she felt she could handle, but this was a bit much, she lifted her form up to run- but that triggered something.

 

**[Move action stand! Attacks of Opportunity activate!]**

**[Hitting: 4][Attack Roll: T 16+4+4=24, Attack Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: T 2+4=6]**

**[Hitting: 4] [Attack Roll: C 9+3+4=16, Attack Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: C 3+3]**

**[Damage Total: 6+6=12-21HP=9HP]**

 

The duo swung together, smacking into her and cleaving more chunks out of her slime flesh, she had used her ‘move action’ to stand though, and could only use her standard action to move, her body losing its solidness as she became more and more like an indistinct pile of body shaped jello.

 

But the price of such a thing as being a slime came into play, and she slid...a whole fifteen feet away.

 

T felt himself gain another bit of divine inspiration as it became his turn.

 

**[Inspiration rolled: Access to Crusader Strike!]**

 

T clicked his tongue- he’d hoped for charging minotaur to shoulder check her to death...but it seemed fate was against him on this one.

 

He settled for the next best thing: A charge attack.

 

**[Hitting: 4][Attack Roll: 17+6=23, Attack Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 1+4+1=6 damage!]**

**[Damage Total: 6-9HP=3HP!]**

 

“Would you just fucking die already?” T said impatiently, cursing his moderate strength score.

 

Why couldn’t he be born a fucking half minotaur and be large? Shits fuckin’ rigged he swears.

 

Cody’s turn clicked in, he ran towards T and...leapt? And holy shit did he jump. He cleared T with a few inches to spare and began falling when he got over the slime.

 

**[Check DC: 22][Jump Check: 19+7=26, Check Success!]**

 

His move action complete, mid-air Cody engaged his standard action-kicking the shit out of the god damn slime as he fell onto her with both feet.

 

**[Hitting: 4] [Attack Roll: 12+3 = 15, Attack Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 1+3]**

**[Damage Total: 4-3HP=-1HP!]**

 

The slime fucking exploded as Cody landed on her, an odd silence filled their bodies as the turn order disengaged-like a mental chain had been pulled off of their wrists.

 

“Okay that felt kinda weir-” T began before he was interrupted by a burst of mental confetti as a screen popped up in front of him.

 

**[Encounter Won! Congratulations!]**

**[Enemies Defeated: 1x (Tutorial) Slime!]**

**[XP Gained: 1000!]**

**[Treasure Value: 900!]**

**{Items!: 10g, 3 Holy Water Flasks, Half Plate Armor, 1 System Message,**

**and a Masterwork Bastard Sword!}**

  
  


Cody blinked, staring at the pile of loot that was in place of where the slime used to stand, and stepped away from it to take it in, “Excuse me? Wanna run that by me again?”

 

“Wow that loot table was slanted in my fucking favor, score.” T said as he picked up the plate and began trying to fiddle it on- his body going into autopilot again as it began putting it on for him.

 

“You gonna pick up that ‘System Message’?” T said “I’m kinda fuckin’ busy here.” 

Cody reached down and picked up the gold and a small slip of paper with printed text on one side of it and read it out loud, “That slime had the template ‘tutorial’, meaning it gives enough xp to level up once. It is the only monster with this template. Also, you fuckin’ rules lawyers, I will make exceptions if it’s small and cool. Like jumping over ya boi T and kicking the shit out of a sexy slime. Don’t bank on exceptions, because I’ll drop rocks on you and you’ll die.”

 

“P.S, don’t try to multiclass into a spellcaster and planeshift out of here, you and I both know that isn’t going to happen. I can giveth, and I can taketh away - The Gm”

 

“Well this is a sick fucking joke. My kind of sick fucking joke, but still a sick fucking joke.” T said “Also help me out here, takes like half the time if someone helps for some reason even if you’re a fuckin’ monk for some reason.”

 

“Enough xp to level up? So shouldn’t we…” a loud fucking noise filled both T and Cody’s ears and they instantly knew to open the books they have in their mind to apply the level. 

 

**[LEVEL UP!]**

**[T: Lvl 1 - > Lvl 2 HP:13+6+3=22!]**

**[Cody: Lvl 1 - > Lvl 2 HP: 6+4=10!]**

With the help of Cody who somehow knew just like he did how to help T into his new armor, the duo pressed their wrist rocks and their books came out.

 

T leveled Crusader up of course, gaining  **{Indomitable soul}** on top of is  **{Furious Counterstrike}** and  **{Steely Resolve 5}** .

 

On top was +1 to his BAB and a +1 to his Fort Saves, and finally a brand new stance:  **{Iron Guards Glare}**

 

Once he finished up T looked over at Cody “I’ll take the bastard sword, you can take the money and the Flasks- I can’t throw for shit apparently- Plus 3 to Ranged is kinda shitty.” he said, picking up the bastard sword in one hand- and he...didn’t feel the instinctual knowledge, his body did not understand how to use this at all, and he was greatly confused as he grabbed the handle with his other hand- to which he felt the surge of understanding.

 

“Fucking weird.” T said, the blade came in a sheath which was nice of the DM and he strapped it to his side.

 

Cody stuck the gold into his pants pocket, two flasks in his hoodie pocket, and kept one held in his hand, “I can’t for the life of me remember what these technically do in 3.5.”

 

“Fuck up demons n’ spooky shit, but not any more then a magic sword could. Think it was like two D six or some shit like that?”

“Maybe it’ll work on Alice...holy shit Alice, did she fall out of the sky yet?” Cody question-

“Something fell out of the sky!” Luka announced, breaking from his stupor and running into Cody-bouncing off of him as he didn’t attempt a true  **[Bull Rush].**

 

“You two are pilgrims, aren’t you? Adventurers? Come with me! I think a woman fell out of the sky!” Luka hysterically reasoned.

 

‘That’d be fucking retarded to do given Alice is one sentence away from killing people.’ T thought to himself.

 

\----

 

“This is a terrible fucking idea.” T mumbled, going along anyways at Luka’s insistence and the logic that Alice was tied to the entirety of the ‘Not dying from angel armageddon’ plot.

 

They found their intrepid purple snake girl with the help of Luka fairly quickly, Cody nudged Luka instantly and ordered, “head back to the village and get yourself baptized before it’s too late kid, leave some kind of clue back to the village, yeah?”

 

Luka gasped when Cody spoke, exclaiming, “Yeah! My baptism!” and began to bolted back towards the village. Cody took mental note of where he was heading in relation to the sun to get the direction he needed to get back, before turning back to T.

 

“She is important to the plot…” he said.

 

T sighed “I know...what’s your Charisma score?” he asked

 

“fourteen, I put five skillpoints into diplomacy as well, and a skill synergy from bluff and sense motive...I’m at a plus eleven” Cody nodded, “she’s also not instantly aggressive, hopefully that means indifferent on the mood chart...if you want to clear out in case I fuck up and die…but I think I saw on your face while we were walking you were thinking about the plot…”

 

“We’re in this together fag, who’ll be here to cover your fuckups up and give you some sweet  **[Aid Another]** ? Till death do us a not party or something like that.” T said, loosening his stressed body- he needed to make her not  _ want _ to do a  **[Sense Motive]** check on his  **[Bluff]** .

 

Alice groaned and shifted as they drew near, Cody leading, she suddenly leapt up to her upright standing position. She took in the party’s appearance for a moment and was-sniffing the air?

 

Cody prepped himself, running a hand through his hair, and made a  **[Diplomacy Check]**

 

She leapt forward grabbing Cody’s arm and sniffing all the way up it, Cody jumped and pulled his arm back...but she grabbed it again, firmly this time, and lifted it above his head...sniffing his armpit?

 

She let him go, then slowly slithered a bit away from him, flatly noting, “You smell weird, really weird. What kind of soap do you use? That's amazing, unbaptised too...” she licked her lips, “delicious.”

 

Cody blinked, then replied as calmly as he could when standing in front of  _ literally the strongest monster,  _ “Slime.”

 

“Slime?” she crossed her arms

 

“I killed a slime girl earlier, are you smelling that?” Cody quirked a brow, feigning ignorance of his smell-how the fuck would he justified the brands of soap he used from his home world? 

 

T randomly popped in “Maybe she absorbed a buncha good smelling stuff to attract males?” he put in, his body urging him to speak and support Cody because of his  **[Aid Another]** .

 

Cody gulped after hearing himself speak...he had just outright killed something! “I don’t like killing things...but I saw her attacking a little boy and I just...fucking lost it. I...I realized later he wasn’t a boy-just the most short and feminine man I’ve ever seen-but still. My instincts took over…”

 

Cody sighed internally, glad she hasn’t made a sense motive on him yet, he wasn’t sure in his low level bluff ability.

 

“I see, so that explains what you two are doing out here I suppose, where’s the boy at?”

 

Wait...was she making sense motive checks? He wouldn’t need to make a bluff check in response if he was technically telling the truth. So she’d just see what he was saying was true...can she even make sense motive checks?

 

“He’s heading towards Ilias temple, can’t be late for his baptism…” he looked back in the direction Luka ran and gestured, “How boring.”

 

Alice smirked a little bit when he mentioned the baptism as ‘boring’, speaking quietly, “Hm, boring.”

 

“Being a hero is about self-sacrifice, it’s about the less capable and easily defeated stepping up and taking a crack at impossible odds on behalf of others-not slaughtering a race and depriving it of its food source for some religion. No matter how fucked some individuals of it may be...also combat with no stakes is pretty boring overall…” he looked down at his feet and closed his eyes, pretending to be embarrassed, “there’s also one too many Granberias in this world to be baptized…”

 

And now, we dramatically show off Cody’s diplomacy check! Because believe it or not, diplomacy takes a full minute to use!

 

**[Gather Diplomacy Check: 12+11+2(Assist Action!) =25, CHECK SUCCEEDED!]**

**[Alice: Unfriendly- >Friendly!]**

 

It quickly dawned on Cody that he didn’t need to be good at talking, just needed to roll high...and he’d naturally talk his way out of a situation, no matter how cheesy his bouts of random half-honest philosophy was. It was a bittersweet realization, that his personal skills had been thrown to the wayside for dice...in fact he felt slightly sick to the stomach.

 

But more importantly, he felt like a fucking cuck for gushing like that...but judging how Luka’s story ended that’s what she’s into. 

 

Also, god damn he was on fire in the rolling department, not one failed check yet. The GM might think he’s got some loaded dice.

 

Meanwhile T was thinking about something else instead of the realization their life was controlled by dice, that being thus: ‘I just had to support the logic of a fuckin’ slime eating shit for a good smell and that gave a plus 2?  **[Aid Another]** is fucking bullshit! Also how did I just think in bold?’

 

On some level he knew the check succeeded given that he hadn’t needed to make a  **[Sense Motive]** on Alice’s well, mood in terms of response, she seemed to stop exuded ambient murderous intent- which was a new thing he could feel...It felt like a sort of out of body experience of holding a D20 ready for initiative.

 

God that shit was weird.

 

“So you’re a monster loving degenerate?” Alice stated teasingly, to which T cut in “And probably a heretic too.” he said with a chuckle

 

“They literally evolved to be hot because they had too...some of them, god damn some of them just need to stop existing…” Cody noted with a shutter. Now, you may think it’s odd Alice would know what evolution is, but might I remind you that this setting doesn’t make any sense-they know pharmaceutical terms for fuck sake!

 

“Heard from one of my buddies about one that fuses you into them.” T shivered “Eugh.” he said, grossed out just remembering.

 

He was also not lying- he just wasn’t stating the ‘buddy’ was Cody. Not telling the whole truth too fucking OP he swears.

 

“So you want coexistence, but only if their hot?” Alice questioned, “damn pervert.”

 

“I don’t think coexistence is rapidly achievable, but no, only if they aren’t murder-raping shitbags, I’m sure there’s some weirdos that would dig being pulled under the earth by a mandragora,” Cody explained, “that Luka kid I was talking about earlier thinks he can head out and force it to happen though.”

 

“If they listen to reason, they ain’t committing treason.” T said, before pausing “Wow I’m a fucking third wheel.” he muttered to himself.

 

“Hm…” she stared passed them towards where Cody gestured, “Where am I?”

 

“You’re just outside Ilias village, how did you end up in the sky?” Cody dug his hands into his pockets-which were crowded by flasks.

 

“That’s none of your concern....”

 

“Ah so something embarrassing happened, say no more.” T said sagely

 

“Nothing embarrassing happened! I just tripped from the sky!” Alice quickly but in, “On my walk.”

 

“Nigga you ain’t got any legs,” Cody butt in.

 

**[Bluff Check: 20+6-20(Circumstance) = 6]**

**[DC: 2][Sense Motive Checks]**

**[C: 10+8 = 18, Check Succeeded!]**

**[T: 2+3 = 5, Check Failed!]**

 

T blinked “Okay yeah no those checks are fuckin’ with my head.” he said, not actually seeing a flaw in her statement- it read as  _ truth _ , but he knew it was a  _ lie _ .

 

“Wait...I’m not the only one?” Alice questioned.

 

“You’re not the only what?” T asked, stopping his bit of mental confusion to question what she just said.

 

“I...keep seeing these ‘checks’ play out in my head,” she replied, “like dice being rolled. It started happening not too long ago.”

 

“How long ago?”

 

“About thirty minutes ago.”

 

T didn’t speak- had he and Cody’s ‘GM’ forced the world to play by their rules? That...makes a lot of sense. He also wondered if only powerful beings could notice the system- or at least smart ones. Guess he’d find out at Iliasburg.

 

“Yeah we also see the checks- I can’t, I  _ know _ the facts that what you said was a bold faced fuckin’ lie but I failed my check and I can’t think of it as anything else but you telling the truth.” T said, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

 

“Yeah...you don’t have any legs so...how could you trip?” Cody reasoned.

 

“I see, so whatever happened to me, happened to all of us,” Alice tried to do a bit of social judo to remove the spotlight from her getting the  _ shit beat out of her.  _

 

“Hey Cody could you tell me what she said was a fuckin’ lie?” T asked, testing a theory.

 

“Tristan, she was lying,” Cody said slowly and unsurely. 

 

T blinked “Yeah...yeah it was. We- yeah if you  _ tell me the facts _ it overrules the checks from the looks of things.” he said confused before shaking his head. “Anyways uh, yeah, you uh...okay snake lady? Don’t think we got your name- Mine’s Tristan, call me T for short though.” T introduced himself, extending a plated hand towards the Monster Lord.

 

“My name’s Cody, not really, I just kind of picked it up over the years.

 

Alice looked down at T’s hand, then looked back up at the two, ignoring it, before replying, “My name is Alipheese Fateburn, but you can just call me Alice.”

 

**[Hitting: 17][Touch Attack Check: 17+5 = 22, Check Success!]**

 

T poked Alice’s cheek “You’re pretty rude for a monster lord, y’know that?” he said, before pausing at the gravity of his actions.

 

Alice smirked, “Oh, so you know who I am? Well I guess that means I have more teeth to order you around now...you two are going to help me get to the bottom of this mental curse.”

 

“I should eat shit and fall of my horse, I’m an asshole.” T mumbled a tired reference from his lips as he sighed and stepped away- before pausing “Oh yeah Gauntlets are Simple weapons I’m proficient with- that’s why I didn’t get that non-proficiency on that poke...interesting.

 

Cody gulped and ran a hand through his hair, “Okay…” he sighed, “I suppose it only makes sense that we’re in the same boat if we have the same ‘curse’,” oh Jesus christ, what did T do to them?

 

“Let’s just...let’s just go and- I really don’t know, go to Iliasburg? Get supplies here I guess too- we only got ten gold to our name…We’re roughing it hard huh?” T said, scratching his chin.

 

“Let’s go grab Luka too, I guess, he’s always screaming about adventure, and I don’t want to even think of the possibility of him being nabbed by a gross monster-like a slug or something,” Cody suggested, turning back towards the village, “Action economy monopoly never hurt anyone but the thing on the other end of it.”

 

“Which is usually us- too bad for them though.” T said, remembering the DM who thought throwing thirty goblins at a pair of level ones was fair and balanced.

 

“Don’t make me wait,” Alice ordered, “I’ll track you by scent as you’re leaving town, so don’t even try bailing on me.”

 

“Just head- oh yeah you didn’t get his scent...can you smell a third human scent that’s fairly recent?” T asked, knowing Scent could easily track Luka- but he’s pretty sure that actually depending on a survival check or something like that.

 

“No need, you two are distinct enough...and I’m not talking about just your soap.”

 

“Wasn’t talking about that- I was more of leaning towards you just going to that third kids scent- he lives here so you should be able to track it easy right? That’s where we’re heading after we get some supplies.” T said, explaining what he was talking about.

 

“Ugh,” Alice grunted, rapidly transitioning to look like a human, “I’ll just go with you…”

 

\----

 

“I wonder if the church has books or something, I need some info on how to sharpen a fuckin’ sword...at least I think I do.” T talked to himself out loud, wondering if he actually needed to do maintenance or if the weird rules of 3.5 would just let him keep a keen edge no matter what.

 

“I have weaponsmithing, no worries,” Cody replied, popping open the door to a shop and walking into it. 

 

Cody blinked, the instant he walked into the shop he was met with a spreadsheet that took up his entire vision with prices of every item. It was transparent, so he could see the shopkeeper behind it acknowledge him.

 

“Hey there! Just go ahead and take a look around!”

 

**[Bedroll x2, -2sp. Gold Remaining: 9gp, 8sp]**

**[Backpack, -2gp. Gold Remaining: 7gp, 8sp]**

**[Rations x3, -1gp, 5sp. Gold Remaining: 6gp, 3sp]**

**[Flint and Steel, -1gp. Gold Remaining: 5gp, 3sp]**

**[Pitcher, clay x2, -4cp. Gold Remaining: 5gp, 2sp, 6cp]**

**[Dagger -2gp. Gold Remaining: 3gp, 2sp, 6cp]**

**[Sling -0gp. Gold Remaining: 3gp, 2sp, 6cp]**

**[Bullets x20 -2sp. Gold Remaining: 3gp, 2sp, 6cp]**

**[Quarter-Pound of Salt, -1gp. Gold Remaining: 2gp, 2sp, 6cp]**

 

The sling was free...just like in 3.5. Even against logic, the rules seemed to well...rule. And they seemed to have GM lazy enough to not use the city size rules. You know, like most of them. Lazy fucks.

 

“Where the hell did that backpack come from?” Alice said in confusion- as the said object had just  _ appeared  _ on his body.

 

“I bought it,” Cody replied, quirking a brow, not questioning the game mechanics.

 

\---

 

Luka sat in his kitchen, taking in the emptiness of his home. He planned to head out just after his baptism, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it for a bit of time. He was leaving his home, likely to never return again, be it from achieving his goal and being hailed as the stronkest hero, or after being nabbed by a monster.

 

Psshh, the latter couldn’t possibly happen.

 

He lowered his head and closed his eyes, about to leave, he prayed, “Ilias give me-”

 

A loud noise of someone slamming one of his windows made him jump and shift his vision to the figure standing in his window-it was Cody-and he was pressing his face right into it.

 

“Yup, looks just like the CG!” Cody announced to T.

 

“I wonder…” T said, before raising his hands towards the the door and-

 

**[DC: 20][Open Lock Check: 4-1 = 3, Check Failed!]**

 

“Well I tried at least.” T said before shrugging and stepping back, having just stuck his finger in the lock and nothing else.

 

“Open the door, hero wannabe!” Cody yelled through the window at Luka.

 

“Hero wannabe? But I’m a baptised hero!” Luka yelled in response.

 

There was a silence, before- 

 

**[DC: 13][Break Check: Take 10+3 = 13, Check Success!]**

 

“FUCK!” T roared as he kicked the doorknob and it smashed open.

 

He paused, foot extended, staring.

 

“Woops.” T said, rubbing the back of his head as he poked his head in “Uh, sorry about that, didn’t know I was that strong. Maybe the doors where I come from are just a lot tougher?” T said, looking back at the shattered remains of the lock.

 

Alice squeezed into the door in front of T, and took in Luka’s appearance, sniffing the air. “He’s baptized,” she confirmed, “disgusting.”

 

Luka blinked, “Who is she?” he questioned.

 

“Nigga, you literally saw a snake who looked exactly like her,” Cody noted.

 

“I mean, yes I did, but she’s not a snake lady!” Luka argued as if Cody was being stupid.

 

T sidled up and wrapped an arm around Cody “Let him live in his own world, it’ll be fucking hilarious when he realizes.” T whispered into his ear.

 

**[DC: 15][Listen Check: 20-9 = 11, Check Failed!]**

 

T blinked, astonished by Luka- and also wondering mechanically  _ how he can be that fucking bad _ at  _ listen _ .

 

Luka failed, so he decided to take a step closer in the hopes to hear their whispering, to which Alice switched form and wrapped her tail around both T and Cody and jerked them away from Luka, “Don’t pollute them with your smell!” she yelled kinda hysterically. 

 

“There’s a snake as my belt.” T said with a bad southern accent whisper to Cody

 

Luka screamed seeing the woman transform and grabbed his sword from off the kitchen table, pointing it at Alice and ordering, “Let them go!”

 

“Did the DM skip even showing us our opposed grapple checks that’s how hopeless that was?” T said, then paused “Then again this is kinda nice.” he said, patting the snake tail around him.

 

“Snake skin is really soft…” Cody stayed in character, even though he was internally screaming at how much he had  _ fucked  _ up this timeline.

 

“I could rape both of them in front of you, and you wouldn’t be able to oppose me,” Alice deadpanned to Luka, “In fact, if you don’t put down that sword, I will do it just to prove a point.”

 

**[Opposed Grapple Checks!]**

**[C: 1+8=9]**

**[Alice: 10+31 =41]**

 

Cody started to shift around while inside of Alice’s tail, but didn’t budge the grip one bit.

 

Luka lowered his blade, “You...you do look pretty strong…”

 

Alice released her captives the instant Luka said that, “Good to know you realize who’s in control here, idiot.”

 

“I’d pat you on the head to comfort you kid, but I’m pretty sure she’d flay you alive  _ while _ raping me at the same time if I did so uh...Good on ya, she’s not an enemy.” T said, shifting his plates around to get them back comfortably

 

“Only the former,” Alice replied, eyes narrowing, “I’d rather not eat human in a place like this.”

 

“I’m not sure if that’s supposed to comfort me or discomfort me so I’m just not gonna think about it.” T said wisely as he scratched the back of his head and turned to Luka fully.

 

“So, yeah sorry for the door- The baptism was well...yeah in hindsight not the best, given we’d like to bring you along on the adventure- but uh...yeah we have a guest that doesn’t like you smelling like angel liver. Which kinda made this whole situation a lot harder and I overreacted.” T said, doing a little bow with his hand on his heart.

 

Alice’s eyes shot open when he mentioned angel liver, “how do you know what that smells like?”

 

“A monster girl who mentioned it. Iliasport is friendly with mermaids so I couldn’t pass up the chance to learn some stuff.” T shrugged “,that’s how she described it, and I believed her.” he said nonchalantly.

 

“Sure...damn pervert,” Alice replied, “let’s just go, I trust you know how Iliasburg can help us.”

 

“Good food and away from the temple,” Cody shrugged, “we really have no idea where to even start, but here is a definite no.” 

 

“We probably should have bought a map at the general store.” T noted, realizing their mistake- given that maps were usually  _ overlooked _ in their campaigns.

 

“I...I have a map,” Luka said, “I assume you wanted to travel with me…” he eyed Alice as he spoke, grabbing and threatening two randos wasn’t the greatest first impression. Or...mayhaps the baptism did something to him besides reflavor his bodily fluids?

 

“Yeah, you seemed like the type with a lot of potential, but also the type to head out too soon- so we were gonna ask if you wanted to travel with us. Power in numbers and we can help you along.” T said, and blinked as the dice rolled in his head.

 

**[DC: 15][Diplomacy Check: Take 10+7+2(Circumstance) = 19, Check Success!]**

**[Luka: Friendly - > Helpful!]**

 

T blinked, not only at the fact that the proverbial ‘Hand’ in his mind caught the dice and put it on 10, as in, he had just taken ten. He didn’t think in this world the 3.5 rule of taking ten- as in not rolling so that the system could embody  _ consistency _ and why blacksmiths probably don’t fuck up horribly randomly, or other craftsmen for that matter- they  _ take ten _ , meaning they used skill only so to speak instead of bursts of luck.

 

He was glad to know he didn’t need to always roll shit- albeit that would have been handy  _ earlier _ with Alice.

 

“I...I trust you. You saved me and that snake lady I think, so I believe you. I’m in your hands!” Luka said passionately before stopping “Uh...what’s your name?” Luka asked, tilting his name to which T chuckled in response.

 

“I’m T.” the aforementioned person said, before pointing at Cody “That’s Cody.” and then he points at Alice “And that’s Alice.” T said, finished up so that Alice didn’t put her tail in her mouth and make party relations  _ even worse _ . “And we caught your name in town- Luka, right? Get your stuff and let’s head out before it starts getting closer to night- fighting blind isn’t the best y’know?” T finished his words with a clap.

 

“Don’t stand too close,” Alice deadpanned, “monster repellant.” 

 

Luka was about to speak back before he realized something.

 

If he smelled to the point of being monster repellant- how was he supposed to convince monster girls to not be violent?!

 

He entered a mental depression, slinking into his home as he gathered his things- before he thought of something.

 

Those two were travelling peacefully with a monster girl- maybe he could convince them to help!

 

Marveling at his genius plan and grasping onto it for dear life- he got his things with a pep in his step.

 

Meanwhile T plopped down into a seat whilst he was planning his ‘Evil’ schemes, Cody sat across from him and began to speak an important announcement,”T, I’m not actually a monk…”

 

“Wait- what really? Is that why you didn’t flurry of blows earlier?” T said, recalling the slime fight

 

“Yeah, I have a generic class-’Expert’, the GM said monk was a shitty class,” he explained, “I get bonus feats like a fighter does, but there’s something off about them, my feat selection menu is fucking huge-not bound by ‘fighter feats’, but there’s something else that’s off...I can choose other class features.”

 

“Oh that? Yeah that’s a thing, guessing Expert is like Warrior in that book then.” T said, flexing his system knowledge as he leaned onto the table.

 

“I checked my other class options, I can’t multiclass out of generic classes-I’m stuck with them,” Cody clicked his tongue, “I haven’t selected my feat yet.”

 

“Eh? But aren’t you fuckin’ human?” T said, then paused “I think the DM’s fucking with you for entertainment value.” he said, stroking his beard covered chin.

 

“Who’s this ‘DM’ you’re talking about?” Alice questioned, she at this point noticed the metal in Cody’s arm, “What is that?” she pointed at it.

 

“One question at a time, Alice,” Cody replied, she slithered over and grabbed his wrist, touching the metal and-

Her book opened, making her scream, “Ghost book!”

 

“Wait, fucking  _ WHAT?! _ ” T yelled with her, snatching her book and looking at it.

 

T stared for a long moment before sighing “I can’t see her fucking sheet- Just mine.” he said, placing it on the table before he touched his wrist and popped out his own book, flipping through the pages before he found something.

 

“Share sheet?” T said, quirking a brow, then sighed.

 

“We get magic fucking books but not magic fucking pens don’t we?” T said to the sky.

 

“Magic pens? Why?” Cody grabbed the book Alice had produced and presented it to her, “We need you to read thi-”

 

“Get that away from me!” she yelled and retreated to a corner, quivering. Cody lowered it, then turned to T, whispering, “Knowing her stats would be useful but...having this as an asset is better…”

 

“Damn fucking right.” T whispered back, touching his wrist and sucking his book back up into the ether or wherever it came from.

 

“Ever since we started getting checks, we began to manifest ghosts from our wrists at will,” Cody turned to Alice.

 

“P-p-put it away!” she demanded, digging her face into her hands and turning towards the corner. Jesus, this woman is dumb when it comes down to it.

 

Cody touched his metal, and his book came out, he put it away and said, “I can’t you have to touch the metal again…” and started to approach her-she suddenly jumped towards him, gripping his wrist as tight as she could and causing her sheet to unmanifest...and Cody to grit his teeth in pain after experiencing his hand being stuck into a vice.

 

“What’s going on in here?” Luka questioned.

“Oh nothing, just ghost,” Cody replied.

“Ghosts? Ghosts!” Luka screamed.

 

\---

  
  
  



	2. The Salt Train Stops For No Slug

**Chapter 2: The Salt Train Stops For No Slug**

 

“We’d been walking for awhile now, me, the two adventurers, and that angry snake lady Alice- and during that time I thought long and hard about how to convince the duo to follow my plans!”

 

“Luka what plans are you talking about? And why were you monologuing out loud to yourself?” T asked in confusion

 

“You heard NOTHING!” Luka said back, pointing at him, to which he gave him a look like those cool adventurers that taught him the Luka attack did.

 

He still didn’t know what that look was but it was probably a good expression!

 

He double checked to see if he was talking out loud- yup, he couldn’t hear himself talking.

 

Anyways, first up he should analyze them! Try and see who they were by how they looked...

 

T, the leader he guessed from his armor- he had plate that covered a lot of him, but not all- must be for easier movement! Plus it showed off his face, which was heroic. He had a bastard sword on his side that looked a lot more high quality then his longsword too. His face which was uncovered had manly long hair down to his shoulders, and he had the makings of a beard too! Though it wasn’t really a full beard- maybe he had shaved it recently? Or only parts of it? Anyways, he had brown eyes- a very earth colored man, he was also white! Luka guessed he was probably an adult- about the size of the village men, and they were about four inches short of six feet- like T! Also, he wondered why he was so...rounded as an adventurer. Is that what muscle mass looks like? It was pretty weird!

 

Next up with Cody, T’s partner, he wore...weird clothes, he wasn’t sure why he didn’t have a weapon, he only caught the after bit of the fight- maybe he lost his weapon? Luka didn’t really know, he was distracted by Alice falling from the sky. That’s pretty unusual y’know! Anyways, he was around T’s height, with the very startings of scruff for a beard. He couldn’t tell if Cody was skinny or fat because of his baggy clothes. His eyes were the same color as Luka’s, about the same shade too in the right light. Other than that, he wasn’t too remarkable in appearance. 

 

And finally Alice- who glared at him when he looked at her- scary! She had white hair and horns and skimpy clothes and- gosh she had a lot going on with her- maybe she was rich? Or maybe just really vain...He wasn’t really sure which sounded more right.

 

Luka came up with his analysis. T and even Cody was a great pair of adventurers! Probably, he was leaning more on T since T had stuff and Cody didn’t- but he shouldn’t judge a book by its cover! They seemed to get along with Alice a lot better then him- that grouchy mean snake lady appeared less hostile at least.

 

He’d broach the topic now- Wait where’d Alice go?

 

\----

 

“Luka would you stop looking at us? There’s a fuckin’ slug monster approaching us.” T said, drawing his bastard sword as the trio approached.

 

“Travellers?” The slug girl began as T silently circled around her- she didn’t appear to mind apparently. “And two of you are unbaptized, delicious.” she says

 

Luka, T noticed, seemed to be monologuing for a second in his head before speaking up “Alright Alice, I’ll- Ara?” Luka said confused looking around.

 

Seems he didn’t realize that she’d fucking bolted like in canon.

 

“I know why you’re approaching us,” Cody stared down the slug girl, “clear out of here before you become a red stain on the side of the road.”

 

T had arrived at the other end and set up a readied an action to charge when the fighting began.

 

“You say that now, but you’ll be saying something different when I use my mucus to-” she was saying, but the duo tuned her down since well, yeah, she was  _ fucking disgusting _ .

 

“I see,” Cody interrupted, cracking his knuckles and...producing a bag of salt that was clearly labeled. 

 

“Th-that! No!” The slug girls expression darkening as she slid back in fear shivering before she shook her head and lifted her ‘dress’ up “I- I’ll get you before you can use that stuff!” she said as-

 

Combat began, or well, what would be considered combat as T charged before the initiative started.

 

**[Inspiration rolled: Access to Leading the Attack and Douse the Flames!]**

 

T lifted his bastard sword in a two handed grip and swung after his charge-

 

**[Hitting: 14(Flat-Footed)][Attack Check: 8+8 = 16, Check Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 4+4+2(Stance) = 10 damage!]**

**[10 damage dealt! KNOCK DOWN ACTIVATE! Free Trip Attempt gained!]**

**[Strength Check Contest!: T 8+7=15, Slug: 14+0=14. Trip succeeded!]**

**[Hitting: 14][Trip Attack Roll: 8+10=18, Attack Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 10+4+2(Stance)=16 damage!]**

**[Total Damage: 26 - 60HP = 34HP]**

 

-and slammed his blade into her- the sharp masterwork edge slicing through her back and not allowing it to slacken, her DR he thinks she has unable to deal with it, he then slammed the blade into her ‘legs’ and tipped her ass over end as she slammed into the ground- the second blad slash tearing an even bigger chunk out of her.

 

T then spoke: “Did I just roll 8 like three times in a fucking row almost? Is that unlucky or lucky?” he said confused- maybe his ‘dice’ had a bubble that made it land on 8 alot that time around? The GM should fuckin’ fix that!

 

And after attacking before combat started; combat.

 

**[Initiative: C:8+3 = 11, T:15-5 = 10, Luka: 15+1 = 16, Slug Girl: 4-2 = 2 ]**

**[Order: Luka, Cody, T, Slug Girl]**

 

Luka charged up right at her and yelled “Luka ATTACK!” as he swung his longsword and-

 

**[Hitting: 14][Attack Check: 15+3+2+2(Flanking)+4 (Prone)-1(Power Attack) = 25, Check Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 4+3+2(Stance)+1(Power Attack) = 10 damage!]**

**[Damage Total: 10-34HP = 24HP!]**

 

His blade rent through them n

 

Cody walked up right next to Luka, standing in front of the slime, opening the bag of salt as purple  **[Menacing]** symbols floating off of him, he dug his hand into the bag and...

  
  


**[Hitting: 14] [Attack Check: 15+4-4+4(Prone)=15, Attack Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 7x2(Weakness) = 14 Damage!]**

**[Damage Total=14-24=10HP!]**

 

The slug began screaming in agony as the salt landed on her body, she grabbed her face (which it landed on) as it melted with the smell of burning slug flesh.

 

“Okay no more of  _ that- _ ” T said as he felt for the next bit of inspiration now that it was his turn.

 

**[Inspiration rolled: Access to Charging Minotaur!]**

 

He really hoped this gives him another level so he can get some actual damaging techniques.

 

Oh well.

 

He swung down the executioner's blade and-

 

**[Hitting: 14] [Attack Check: 13+6+2(Flanking)+4(Prone)=25, Attack Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 1+4 = 5 Damage!]**

**[Damage Total=5-10=5HP!]**

 

“Is this gonna happen every fucking time?” T asked aloud to the sky as he slashed into her shoulder.

 

The Slug girl’s arrived as she rose to her feet- and proc’d a trio of Attacks of Opportunity.

 

**[Move action stand! Attacks of Opportunity activate!]**

**[Hitting: 14] [Attack Roll: T 12+6+2+4=24, Attack Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: T 4+4=8]**

**[Hitting: 14] [Attack Roll: C 11+4+4=19, Attack Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: C 2+3=5]**

**[Hitting: 14] [Attack Roll: L 12+2+2+4=20, Attack Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: L 3+4=7]**

**[Damage Total: 8+5+7 = 20-5HP=-15HP]**

 

Cody’s fist, alongside the two blades of Luka and T, turned her into just what Cody had said- a stain on the road- albeit there was also a gorey pile of slug bits on it.

 

T and Cody waited for a moment as Luka stared at the fact they’d just defeated a monster girl in less than six seconds- and the message popped up for the duo in a burst of mental confetti.

 

**[Encounter Won! Congratulations!]**

**[Enemies Defeated: 1x Slug Girl!]**

**[XP Gained: 900!]**

**[Treasure Value: 2000!]**

**{Items!: large steel shield +1, 51,156 copper coins, potion of hide from undead}**

 

T and Cody stared at the literally gigantic pile of copper coins on the ground, dumbfounded.

 

Luka shortly joined in- yes, he had just had to kill his first being, but at the same time a  _ pile of fucking copper _ just appeared from thin air with a vial of brown something and a shield.

 

“I...just, how? Why?” T asked the sky searchingly.

 

The GM did not answer though.

 

Alice slipped out of her hiding spot, staring at the pile of pennies on the ground where the slime used to be, and asked very stoically, “What?”

 

“Alice carries it.” T said bravely as he turned to her, wiping the viscera off his blade with his glove before sheathing.

 

“What makes you think I’m coming along to be your packmule?” Alice deadpanned, crossing her arms, “we don’t even have any bags to carry that in.”

 

“One, you carry your weight or the ghost books are coming out.” T said simply, making Alice flinch “Two, we have sleeping bags and a backpack.”

 

“You think I was actually afraid of those? I was just testing how stupid you are,” Alice continued.

 

T slowly pulled his sleeve back and hovered his hand over the metal part of his arm.

 

Alice was physically distressed, but stood her ground, “No, I’m not carrying it...unless you wanna make it up to me,” she smirked.

 

“You’re getting fed rations and Luka’s cooking- it’s pretty good by the way, and we’re going to be feeding you for our  _ entire _ journey. Pretty sure carrying a couple of bags with your herculean strength as the you know who isn't the biggest deal- unless you know who is less strong then the rumors say.” T said, greed making him ballsy as his hand slowly got closer and closer to the metal- putting a timer on her decision to keep her from thinking clearly.

 

“Man, can’t wait to spend the next eight hours packing copper into sleeping bags...just fucking leave it, it’s not worth it, seriously,” Cody butted in.

 

“Cody its fuckin’  _ five hundred G _ dude, c’mon!” T argued “We could buy a shit ton of supplies with that!”

 

“How do you know how many there is?” Alice questioned, “there’s no way you counted all that.”

 

“Remember the roll checks? We also get notifications telling us what we got as loot. That’s 51,156 fifty one thousand one hundred and fifty six copper pieces, or around five hundred and tenish gold.” T explained “The other two items are a plus one shield- Luka that’s yours your AC must be shit- and a potion of hide from undead.” he said, pointing to the two items whenever he referred to them. Luka nodded and wandered over to fiddle the shield onto his arm.

 

“Hmm...interesting, I suppose I should fight with you once to see that,” Alice concluded, “hmm...no, I’ve decided not to,” she yawned, “have fun hauling your pennies.”

 

T slapped the ghost book button.

 

\----

 

“Alright, this is a nice spot for camp, already clear of brush...I bet someone else stayed here,” Cody spoke, kneeling down next to the road, “It’s about ten miles from Ilias village-one day’s travel,” the sun was starting to set at this point.

 

Alice dropped the two sleeping bags full of ‘pennies’ and unshouldered the backpack similarly full of the same contents- she could actually only haul half the horde, and half the horde had fit into the bags snugly.

 

She fell over onto her face, groaning.

 

It was more work then she’d done in her entire life, even if it wasn’t actually that big of a deal- but carrying literally the limit of what she could carry for six miles in the sun was not her idea of a good time.

 

“Snakes like to wrap around things...are you the same?” Cody questioned her, looking over his shoulder.

 

“Oh my god Cody, you don’t just ask people if they like to  _ wrap around things _ , gosh!” T said in mock offense as he started emptying the bags and quickly getting LUka to help him

 

“Hey dickweed, you like betting dogs? Holy shit, you’re weird for wanting to pet something soft and cute, fucking degenerate weido,” Cody replied, standing up and taking a look around. The ground was a bit damp, there’s probably ponds of water around  _ somewhere _ given their elevation.

 

“Fuck yeah I’m a fucking degenerate, and I bet you pet dogs you noble citizen.” T shot back

 

Luka had no fucking idea what the banter even meant but he enjoyed it for the concept itself. “Yeah you, you- dog lovers!” he chimed in excitedly.

 

T just pat him on the head for trying before getting back to penny duty.

 

Cody started back down the road a short distance, “Looking for a dryer spot for easy tinder, someone better come with me so I don’t get  _ fucked  _ by something big…”

 

“Luka, how bout you head out with him, learn a bit of survivalism- I’ll guard the money pile.” T said as he scooped another handful of Copper onto the ground.

 

“Learn? I’ll teach him a thing or two,” Luka replied and stood up to follow.

 

“I’m a country boy too, you probably can’t tell me anything I don’t already know,” given modern research and his southern upbringing, he more than likely knew a little bit more than Luka did, “and Alice, don’t eat T while I’m out and there’s going to be a ghost book wombo combo.”

 

From her face down position, she gave a thumbs up.

 

**[Survival Check: Take 10 + 10 + 2(Aid Another)  = 20, Check Succeeded!]**

**[Food and water for six people!]**

 

Cody instantly opened his character sheet, where did this random extra +2 he was getting coming from? Yeah, it was there, but it wasn’t explained? What is because of previous knowledge?

 

Nonetheless, he acted on his own, walking around in the wild for a while with no control of his own body, picking up a sundry of edible items. Wild carrots and onions, mostly, and he found a pond a about twenty yards from camp.It seemed...clean-ish, and there were tadpoles in it. He was pretty sure he could cook those up, eating it raw would give people salmonella or some shit. He wasn’t an  _ expert. _ They also found some grasses Cody wasn’t familiar with that Luka insisted he cooked with. Fuckin fantasy worlds

 

Luka actually followed along, helping him along the way on little things such as picking stuff with him to speed things up for example.

 

Though, whilst he was helping- he was also doing his own thing- which was looking through the things Cody got for useful ingredients along the way, how to use it and other such things to enhance what meals they could make. Proper planning, essentially, was what he was doing for a  _ meal _ , and not actual combat.

 

**[Craft(Food) Check: 13+7 = 20, Check Succeeded!]**

**[Meal Enhancement for five people!]**

 

The duo arrive back soon enough to witness T dragging Alice’s face down body onto a bedroll-  her front leaving a dirt trail from how heavy she was- T was meanwhile too busy with the herculean task of moving her  _ fat (thicc) ass _ onto something that wasn’t the hard ground, even if he was well, dragging her through the dirt to do so.

 

“Fucking hell, what are you fucking made out of? Pure fucking adamantium?!” T said, breathing hard from next to Alice’s body, a pile of Copper off to the side- though the other three bags were still occupied.

 

“I don’t wanna use...a sleeping bag…” Alice lazily insisted.

 

“Well we don’t got fuckin’ pillows so you don’t have to sit on the literal cold hard ground, so chill out there and rest while I take care of the coinage. And uh…” T rubbed the back of his neck though she couldn’t see it “Thanks for that, we’ll buy you something nice when we get to Iliasburg- and yes, I mean food.” he said as he wandered back over to the second sleeping bag- and finally noticed the duo “Oh hey, welcome back.” he said, plopping back onto the ground and digging copper out by the handful.

 

Cody plopped what he had scooped up onto one of the sleeping bags and pulled a fat roll of broken up bark from his hoodie pocket, “we should get sack for me to put tinder in,” he suggested, looking over at the...not sleeping Alice?

 

“We’ll baby you for the rest of the day,” he said to her and started to get the fire going. It happened pretty quickly, given 3.5 rules made it so. Didn’t even need to blow.

 

Luka was pulling out his cooking set in the meanwhile “Yeah, you deserve it.” Luka said, setting it up around the fire to get a meal going.

 

Alice rolled onto her back and rubbed her belly, “feed me.”

 

Luke nodded as he grabbed the ingredients and-

 

**[Craft(Food) Check: 18+7+2(Aid Another)+3(Preparation) = 30, Check Succeeded!]**

**[HEROIC Meal created!]**

**[Heroes Feast Replicated!]**

 

T blinked at the mental check he just witnessed as he got up quickly at the scent and plopped down once Luka said it was almost done.

 

“I packed extra plates since we’re a group by the way- so no need to worry about that. T could you go pull them out now?” Luka asked, having felt some sort of crazy inspiration- and with Cody’s help it was coming along nicely.

 

T sighed having just sat down and got up, distributing the silverware and plates to four places around the cooking pot- before for some reason he placed a fifth plate down next to Alice’s side of the fire- he thinks he was compelled to by the rules for some reason or another.

 

He plopped back down just as Alice- reinvigorated, slithered up to the duo of plates, eyes wide at the smell.

 

“I feel pretty confident about this-” Luka said as he distributed five portions- an extra for Alice, since they’d said they’d treat her for her carrying stuff, and also took a second thing off the fire- a teapot. “-Cody actually found a buncha good stuff for tea, so I rustled that together, tell me whatcha think about it, I’m not really used to adhoc creating stuff like that, but for some reason or another I felt compelled, and I think it works!” Luka said proudly as he said down and began prayer- meanwhile Alice was fucking inhaling her food after the first taste- or well, T thought she would but for some reason she was eating it slow.

 

He shrugged and began on his- and...he was eating equally as slow- what? He didn’t mind but he was getting body controlled like he was in a fight.

 

Cody grabbed his portion and...he can’t eat it any faster? Yup, it was going to take exactly an hour, no more, no less.

 

Alice shot up, staring at Luka and asking, “Why’d you have to go and get baptized?” having a change of heart  _ instantly  _ from his cooking.

 

“I’ll ignore the underlying feeling I get about those words and take that as a compliment!” Luka said happily, enjoying his meal as well- he really hit it out of the village with this one!

 

“Yeah fucking kudos on the compliment train with one hundred percent less rape vibes- this if fucking  _ fantastic _ ! Viva la fuckin’ you dude.” T said, a happy camper about their decision to say the least.

 

“You should be more subtle,” Cody suggested to Alice, “with all the monsters spouting ‘Imma fuck ya’, that’ll be a nice change of pace.”

 

“I don’t need  _ you,  _ a  _ human _ , to tell me how to be a monster,” Alice retorred with a huff.

 

“I mean so to speak on the seduction front- wouldn’t the advice of y'all's target- a human male- be pretty valuable.” T said, with his mouth slightly full, but actually being kinda skilled at talking with it like that.

 

“A degenerate, monster loving human male,” Alice narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms, “you aren’t exactly a normal, sane person.”

 

“If you think the followers of Ilias are sane, then I don’t know what to tell you…” Cody deadpanned.

 

“Pretty sure they once got so pent up they made sex robots over in that shithole desert continent.” T followed up with a chuckle and a sip of the tea- he didn’t know why it didn’t taste like shit like leaf water usually does- but he’ll chalk it up to that fucking check Luka made.

 

“Sex robots? Damn perverts,” Alice placed her empty plate on the ground, “you wasted your money on the fourth bedroll, I’m not using one.”

 

“What are you going to do?” Cody questioned.

“Wrap up around a tree.”

 

“Really? A fucking tree? Wrap up around Luka instead.”

 

“Hey!” Luka blurted out.

 

Alice grimaced, “I would, but he’s still the only baptized one here.”

 

“Rest in fuckin’ pieces Luka, she’s actually pretty snuggly feeling.” T commented offhandedly as he downed another bite of food.

 

She smirked, eyeing T, then Cody, “you both smell really good, better than most humans...it’s odd, like the difference between the smell of an orange and an apple, but much better than Luka.”

 

Cody blinked, picked up his bedroll, then started walking out of camp, “See ya fags, you’re on your own on this one. You can handle cloaca pushed up against you.” He wanted to say ‘tentacle fingers and hentai hair’, but he’d rather not spill that much he knew. In all reality, he’d probably smash Alice if it wasn’t for those two things.

 

“I don’t have a cloaca.”

 

T shrugged “And I’m not checkin’, but if you keep it PG I wouldn’t mind- else you’re gettin’ the book and no more of Luka’s cooking- right Luka?” T said, looking to Luka “Yeah!” he said resolutely, pumping his fist.

 

T was really glad they got a brand new asset- Luka’s food- to bargain with.

 

“PG?” she questioned, “You dress weird, you smell weird, you talk weird.”

 

“No sex shit, no  _ weird _ sex shit, just two dudes sharing a sleeping space. And yeah, I do, it’s called having a different culture.” T said with a shrug.

 

“Oh, so just because I’m a monster, you think I’m going to rape you?” Alice scoffed.

 

“Literally like a minute or two ago you basically said you’d screw the shit out of Luka- who’s religious to you know  _ who _ , if he wasn’t baptized, and given you were hunky dory with forcing us to let you mooch off of us- yeah excuse me for thinking you’d get a little handsy.” T said with a deadpan.

 

Cody came walking back into the camp at that moment, announcing, “Alright, I wandered into a sleeping leech girl and remembered Alice isn’t that bad.”

 

“Damn fucking straight.” T said raising his teacup and taking a swi-sip. “Yeah that’s getting kinda old.” T sighed as he shoved some more ten out of ten food into his mouth.

 

“Just...I don’t fuckin know, pick someone, I’m gonna go to bed,” Cody said begrudgingly and piled into his sleeping bag.

 

\--- 

 

T yawned, smacking his mouth, having slept for exactly a long rest- 8 hours that is- down to the millisecond in fact.

 

T cracked his neck- being game characters was kinda weird, but hey, he was up earlier than he expected.

 

Cody woke up at the exact same time, and noticed both Alice and Luka were still asleep. Alice was wrapped around a tree, opting out of treading on the food mules for the time being. Cody...oddly felt kinda bad, they were  _ supposed  _ to baby their coin mule.

 

“Codes, could you wake up Luka so he and you can get to working on a good meal- I need to get my armor on n’ shit.” T said, hopping up and wandering over to the communal backpack to dig his shit out.

 

Cody opted to wake up Alice first, maybe some dumb shit she’d pull would wake Luka. If Luka really could pollute his scent, that was one less thing he could exploit. Alice shook awake when Cody put a hand on her shoulder, quickly speaking.

 

“Don’t think I’m going to always leave you alone,” in a playful, she liked playing footsies with the idea, even if she didn’t really mean it...at least until the set H-scene points.

 

“Yeah, yeah, be a basic bitch monster,” Cody bantered.

 

“Basic? I’ll have you know I’m above the trash that is wild monsters.”

 

“Then fucking act like it,” Cody smirked, “we’re heading out after breakfast, just carry those coins another few miles and you can stay at the Sutherland inn-now that we have a hero to get us in there at a sane price.”

 

\----

 

“Luka, what logical reason do you scream out Luka Attack like every time you consciously swing a sword?” T asked, looking over at the purple haired lad, matching his step with the boy, switching on  **[Iron Guard’s Glare]** in preparation for the mandragora now that he remembered they’d be running into the thing.

 

“Oh, it’s a war cry shout! At least that’s what the pilgrims said-” T held up a hand around when Luka said pilgrims

 

“Forget literally everything you’ve learned from a pilgrim. And I mean  _ literally _ everything.” T said with a sigh.

 

“But why! They were super nice heroes and stuff-” Luka began to argue back before being interrupted again.

 

“You mean a bunch of beginners who literally have no idea what their doing because heroes  _ start _ at Ilias Village. You learned hundreds of tips from amateurs who hadn’t fought a day in their life. Notice any differences from how hard you hit and I hit? Yeah, they’re probably about half as effective as you if I’m being  _ nice _ about it.” T lectured as he walked- sagging a bit due to carrying the backpack of copper- which honestly wasn’t a lot but it was fucking  _ heavy _ . Probably the only reason he could carry it was because of some weird obscure hole in the logic making it where he could push drag the bag on his back so to speak.

 

“That…” Luka said, looking like he was trying to figure out a counter argument “That would mean I wasted five years of my life on nothing!” Luka shouted

 

“Most people waste their entire lives doing nothing- be glad you only lost five and be glad you’re getting help.” T said sternly, then messed up Luka’s hair when he got pouty about the words.

 

“First of all, telling the enemy what your doing is stupid, secondly- putting all your strength into a strike is pointless if you don’t  _ hit _ the enemy. The only reason you hit shit yesterday was because she was on the ground  _ and _ surrounded. If you can swing with less movement more quickly with equal strength, do so, doing flashy movements only opens you up to getting the  _ shit _ kicked out of you kid.” T said, giving the most obvious tips since he didn’t know how to realshit train someone while they were walking, but then again, he’d been taught by layabouts and idiots for five years so he probably didn’t even understand the obvious basics.

 

Luka looked deep in thought as a prompt popped up in T’s face

 

**[Companion trained! Luka has learned to not power attack every time! Class retraining will occur at next level]**

 

As for the other two members of the peanut gallery? 

 

“I need a rest…”

“Jesus fucking Christ Alice, use a tree to lean on not me!” Cody half-begged, being almost crushed by the weight of a  _ 700 pound lamia and all the coins she’s carrying.  _

“This is what I call subtlety,” Alice replied, then suddenly the weight was taken off of him, leaving Cody to look around confused, “Alice? Oh fuck, that means only one thing!”

 

Midword to Luka T saw him trip and fall on his face, too distracted by his thoughts and T’s teaching- to which something burst from the ground screaming.

 

**[Shriek Ability Activated! DC 16 Will Check Required!]**

**[Will Check: T: 3+2=5. Check Failed!]**

**[Will Check: Cody: 2+5=7. Check Failed!]**

**[Will Check: Luka: 13-2=11. Check Failed!]**

**[Paralysis Duration: Two Rounds!]**

 

The trio ate shit as Luka stayed on the ground and the other duo’s legs gave out as they fell onto the ground staring at the Mandragora rose in all her no shirt glory- then again almost no monster girl wore a shirt so that was kind of commonplace.

 

**[Initiative: C:3+3 = 6, T: 17-5 = 11, Luka: 13+1 = 14, Mandragora: 14+3 = 17 ]**

**[Order:Mandragora, Luka, T, Cody]**

 

“Who in the hell pulled my head?” the mandragora shouted, looking around confused- sadly for the trio Talking was a free action for her- “Who-” and she apparently had the braincells to realize Cody was too far away to do it, and noticed the other two, and in her brain finally figured out- because planning and talking were free actions- that Luka was the culprit.

 

“I was finally about to go to sleep you jerk!” She yelled at him, to which she got muffled words because Luka was currently eating shit- the shit being dirt- literally.

 

“I’ll teach you a lesson- You’ll be my nourish-” and then she felt a shiver as she looked to her side at T who was giving her a hellish glare.

 

Somehow she knew she’d have a hard time grabbing the purple haired kid for some reason, it was...a feeling she believed for some reason, so she decided to go with him instead- since he also looked like good nourishment.

 

“Good enough.” She says pleasantly as she reaches down and...realizes his crotch is covered in platemail.

 

“Darn it.” she said, and began trying to take it off...wasting her turn.

 

Turn two was much of the same- “How the hell do you get this off? There’s- where’s that buckle go and- why won’t it just  _ come off! _ ” she complained loudly.

 

And thus- turn three began.

 

**[Opposed Grapple Check! T 1+5 = 6, 12+10 = 22, Mandragora Wins!]**

 

And she wasted a third turn on his belt while T tried to force her off him- but her hands were too strong to pull off from his position.

 

Luka got up angrily- not provoking an Attack of Opportunity because of the grapple, and only drew his longsword- forgetting his shield as he held the blade two handed and slashed with all his might at the  **[Prone]** enemy!

 

**[Hitting: 12(Grappled)] [Attack Check: 6+2+4(Prone)= 12, Check Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 6+4=10 damage!]**

**[Damage Total: 10-40HP=30HP]**

 

He slammed into her back causing her to scream in pain- but not  **[Shriek]** , since she’d wasted her use of it earlier.

 

It was T’s turn as he gave another go at getting out of the  **[Grapple]** .

 

**[Opposed Grapple Check! T 6+5 = 11, 2+10 = 12, Mandragora Wins!]**

 

“You gotta be fucking kidding me.” T said, pissed off.

 

Cody crawled across the Earth and jumped onto the back of the mandragora, wrapping his arms around her body and her throat, taking extra care to slam the back of his hand into the bridge of her nose and yell, “Fuck off my boy, you don’t know who you’re creeping on!”

**[Opposed Grapple Check! 18+8=26, 14+10=24, Cody Wins!]**

**[Grapple Damage: 6+3=9]**

**[Damage Total: 9-30HP=21HP]**

 

The Mandragora- hurt  _ and _ pissed off reach back and grab Cody’s arms to-

 

**[Opposed Grapple Check! 13+8=21, 10+10=20, Cody Wins!]**

 

-no avail as Cody keeps his grip on her.

 

Luka, meanwhile, got back to hacking at her like a fucking lumberjack- but with more stabbing because he’d accidentally hit Cody if he swung.

 

**[Hitting: 12(Grappled)] [Attack Check: 15+2+4(Prone)= 21, Check Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 1+4=5 damage!]**

**[Damage Total: 5-21HP=16HP]**

 

“Stop touching my friends!” Luka yelled, not realizing the Mandragora was absolutely being the one held down now.

 

And thankfully- due to Cody being the owner of the grapple, T could simply stop ‘assisting’ him and rise up, drawing his sword alongside his move action and looked at the Inspirations he’d gotten while on the fuckin’ ground for four turns.

 

**[Inspiration rolled: Access to Vanguard Strike, Charging Minotaur, Leading the Attack, and Crusader Strike!]**

 

Again, T kinda wishes he’d been able to get an attack maneuver- either way he swung with a  **[Leading The Attack!]**

 

**[Hitting: 12(Grappled)] [Attack Check: 15+6+4(Prone)= 25, Check Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 9+4=13 damage!]**

**[Damage Total: 13-16HP=3HP]**

 

Now the next person who actually had to swing had a plus 4, but well, Cody was next up so he doubted it’d be needed the buff- but it was nice to finally get to use it.

 

Cody gritted his teeth and tightened his grip around the monster’s throat.

 

**[Opposed Pin Check! 11+8=19, 9+10=19, Check Tie, roll again!]**

**[Opposed Pin Check! 16+8=24, 10+10=20, Cody Wins!]**

 

At this point, she couldn’t scream if she tried.

 

It was the mandragoras turn again as she feebly attempted to break out one final time and-

 

**[Opposed Grapple Check! 2+8=10, 15+10=25, Mandragora Wins!]**

 

She took a desperate breath of air as she rose up to standing but still in the grapple, arms wrestling with Cody in a bid to get him off so she could escape underground.

 

Luka lifted his sword- they were the aggressors here so he’d try to take her down without killing her as he swung the side of the blade at her head, swinging hard because he had no idea how hurt she really was and-

 

**[Hitting: 12(Grappled)] [Attack Check: 16+3-4(Nonlethal)-1(Power Attack) = 14, Check Success!]**

**[Damage Roll: 8+4=12 damage!]**

**[Damage Total: 12-3HP=-9HP]**

**[Nonlethal Attack! Opponent Unconscious instead of Dead]**

Pause, confetti, loot.

 

**[Encounter Won! Congratulations!]**

**[Enemies Defeated: 1x Mandragora!]**

**[XP Gained: 900!]**

**[Treasure Value: 1600!]**

**{Items!: 806 gold coins!}**

 

T stared at the new pile of coins before sighing and dropping his backpack onto the ground as he began shoveling money out again.

 

“We need more backpacks!” Cody exclaimed, standing up and walking over to the coins, pulling out his holy water flasks and replacing them with coins,

 

T wordlessly reached over and grabbed the flasks and fastened them to his belt- no telling when he would need Ilias’ bath water after all.

 

Luka said something after a moment “Wait a second are monsters supposed to make stuff appear from thin air?” he said, finally getting around to asking.

 

“Nah, but we’ve been cursed so, well, the world acts kinda weird around us- you could also consider it a blessing given we’re not eight hundred and six gold richer then a second ago.” T said as he did the money shuffle for the- what, fiftieth time now or something? He wasn’t really counting.

 

Alice appeared from the brush commenting, “You can’t expect me to carry all this.”

“Just...most of the copper, and all of the gold,” Cody replied, “just dump out one of them a bit and fill it with gold.”

 

Alice groaned, “gold is heavier than copper.”

 

“I’m a loot whore but like, yeah the gold is more valuable, let’s just fuckin’ dump the copper now- unless you want to keep it.” T said with a shrug, pretty sure that’d piss her off- or maybe not.

 

All the copper was poured onto the road without hesitation, Alice began to shovel the gold into the sleeping bags.

 

“We’re gonna be making some randos walking down this path really happy,” Cody commented.

“I bet,” Alice replied.

 

“Nothing really makes sense anymore, but it’s hard to argue with more money then I think Ilias Village has seen in its existence.” Luka commented as he chipped in alongside the quartet.

 

\----

 

“Why is this so light?” Alice asked in utter confusion as she carried the bags of money and looking significantly less dead inside as she slithered alongside the trio, it being afternoon now- the constant money loading and unloading leading them to take a long time even if they’d left earlier then Luka canonically.

 

“Thanks again for being the packmule, Alice, we need our energy to not be raped and die,” Cody looked over at her, pretending to look at her eyes but actually looked...elsewhere. Damn pervert chekin’ out those hora horas.

 

“Might be our ‘Curse’ or whatever affecting it, it’s logic isn’t well...completely logical. Maybe the gold coins have the same weight value as the copper maybe?” T said, accidentally hitting the oddity right in the middle of its eyes.

 

“That’s stupid, you’re stupid.” Alice said, brain cells dying because it didn’t  _ feel like he was wrong _ , “Stop looking at my chest if you’re going to pretend to not like me.”

 

“I’m not the one who made the rules.” T said, shrugging as they finally arrived, Iliasburg in the horizon, and unknowingly the group was here slightly earlier then Luka would have canonically- not by  _ much _ , but they still arrived earlier.

 

“Well ain’t that a fuckin’ sight.” T said fondly- it was actually a pretty nice view when you were seeing it yourself in the dusk light, albeit a little bit of weight settled into him.

 

They were going to have to compete with Granberia soon enough, and he  _ really _ wasn’t sure the group was up to snuff. Then again he wouldn’t be sure they were up to snuff if they were level  _ twenty _ so that probably was his pessimism talking. 

 

Albeit, Granberia would non-lethal damage them, and that wouldn’t be so bad...it would be the worst pain they have ever experienced, but it wouldn’t be so bad.

 

“T...what do you think my feat should be to fight angry dragons?” Cody questioned, “I don’t mean favored enemy...I doubt that would help….” he wasn’t paying attention to the sight, rather he was going through the pages upon pages of shit the GM allowed him to take as his class feature.

 

“A plus four is better than not having a plus four, otherwise something like a marshal ability might help- but I don’t think you’ve got the charisma to make that really work.” T said with a shrug

 

“Yeah but...how many dragons do you think we’ll run into?” Cody asked.

 

“Isn’t there an entire section of a region of the things? Then again I get what you mean...wait a fucking second, isn’t...monstrous... _ humanoid _ an option?” T said, realizing what he just remembered.

 

Cody looked up at T, and spoke thusly, “ _ fuck” _ . Now you see, favored enemy(monstrous humanoid) would be the optimal option. But what did Cody go ahead and pick?

 

Cody reached out and ripped a nearby branch off a tree as they walked, holding in front of him in the palm of his hand. A faint light came from his hand as he activated his new class feature, taken from an obscure class in the Book of Vile Darkness.

 

**{Hellfire Grasp}**

 

The branch quickly grew darker, until it was matte black, as if was engulfed by an invisible flame raging in Cody’s palm.

 

When Alice noticed what was off, she suddenly screamed, “What the fuck?” rather out of character at the fact that Cody had  _ burned a branch with will power alone. _

 

“What the?!” Luka said, having never seen anything resembling actual magic in his entire life outside of, well, the stuff appearing but that was rather mundane to the blatant logic breaking of that.

 

“Does that actually do fire damage or is it just fluffed like that _? _ ” T questioned, quirking a brow.

 

“Extra unarmed fire damage is fuckin’  _ cool _ ” Cody replied, “We’d get our asses kicked anyway.”

 

“That is literally the most resisted type of damage in the entire game.” T said, looking at him like he was dumb.

 

“Why are you so calm!” Luka yelled- to which they continued to ignore him.

 

Cody blinked, “I just realized, these are technically bonus feats, so like...I bet I could retrain them to be even more of an indecisive dickback.” 

 

T nodded “Yeah probably, but only when you level up- maybe at some point specializing yourself will be pretty handy.” T said, vaguely remembering the shit they’re going to have to deal with.

 

“Yeah, I can take what’s good at low level now and high level later...like a fighter with an identity crisis,” Cody once again focused himself on walking, “Y’know, who would’ve thought all this knowledge of a fucking dice game would come in handy?”

 

“It really shouldn’t have but hey, least we aren’t gonna get fucking  _ vored _ because of it, so I’ma keep on not looking that gift horse in the mouth- even if that saying is fuckin’ stupid.” T said, rolling his shoulders as he started walking towards the town- and threw in a random statement “Alice, pop into human form, you know those religious types aren’t gonna give you no ama ama dangos if you don’t.” he threw out to make sure Alice did actually do the smart thing.

 

Alice yawned, already in human form mid-sentence as he spoke, “On it.”

 

“Fuckin’ powermove. Let’s get in there quick so we can sleep in a fuckin’ room.” T said, hating nature with a fiery passion- maybe he should pick up endurance so he can sleep in his plate in case of attacks and to be less near nature.

 

God he’s gonna fucking hate the alraune portion of the game more than usual.

 

\----

 

“It’s a fuckin ghost town- lets check out the town center.” T said, ‘noticing’ the lack of people. “It’s a big as fuck city so no way it should be this quiet.” T added, sounding stressed- because he was, but it was good that he didn’t act like everything was as planned.

 

The two canon characters might notice if Cody and him didn’t really flinch at any of the shit they would encounter.

 

“Maybe they all got carried off by monsters…” Cody suggested, “If they start grouping up, we’re fucked.”

 

“Let’s hope they don’t and plan for if they do.” T said with a shrug as he looked to Luka “Yo, bring us to the town center- double time, me and Cody don’t know the city too well.” he said, slapping the kid on the back as he started jogging, Luka following suit after a moment and leading the way since T was, well, the slowest of the group.

 

Heavy armor was a  _ fucking bitch _ to deal with.

 

Soon enough they spotted her in her sexy competent glory- Granberia, the only relatively normal person in the entire setting.

 

Now, you would think that Luka, T, and Cody would be utterly shitting themselves at the moment like Luka was canonically- but you see…

 

Luka’s cooking was too fucking powerful.

 

He’d made a  _ second _ heroes feast, so what does that mean?

 

The trio were immune to fear- T and Cody knew they were fucked, more than Luka honestly, but the feast made them not really sweat it too much.

 

It seemed Granberia was doing her thing with the guards.

 

“Are you three going to fight or not?” Granberia asked menacingly, her glare piercing through the three soldiers and urging them to charge,

 

Cody picked up his pace slightly, alter-ego going into full effect upon sight of this dragon woman. He knew she wouldn’t  _ try  _ to kill him, meta-knowledge cheats for life, so getting points towards looking like a badass in the eyes of the public was something he could hope for.

 

T followed- and spoke up before the guards could reply, “Yeah, they are.” he said, cracking his neck as he drew his bastard sword “And so are we, cursed swordswoman.

 

Cody cracked his knuckles, “ _ you’re going to be leaving this town _ ” he announced, lowering his gaze a bit to take advantage of the art-style...his eyes were covered by a harsh shadow, his hands both began to glow like shining embers as he approached and  **[Menacing]** filled the air.

 

“Yeah! We won’t let you hurt anyone else villain!” Luka said, his magic steel shield on his arm- actually cutting a decently competent figure- T guessed it was probably the class retraining in effect.

 

The trio of soldiers looked over, the third still feeling decently hopeless, T whispered something quickly to Cody and jerked his head towards the scaredy cat. “Give him a confidence boost, we need all the help we can get and you’re better at diplomacy, after that let’s surround her- I’ve got my charge stance on.” he said- a simple plan, but honestly it's the best they had.

 

“Ilias will protect you, Ilias will protect us...she’s not about to let someone like  _ her  _ take this town,” Cody spoke to the men, standing in front of them and puffing out his chest to make himself appear taller than he actually was, “Go through the city after her and strike; Show no mercy and show no pity!”

 

**[Diplomacy Check: 14+11=25. Check Succeeded!]**

**[Guard: Indifferent - > Friendly!]**

 

The third guard gulped and nodded, stepping up and picking up his longsword to stand next to his comrades in the face of the seemingly unstoppable monster girl.

 

“We’ve got one shot at this men!” T spoke up, taking position behind Granberia who allowed it simply because she was curious- these men felt a good deal different then the usual zealot. “I know you’ve listened to orders before, so listen to them now! When I say ‘Now’, charge with all you’ve got and swing! No sooner, no later! Understood?” T spoke up with authority- his speech helped a lot by, well, his armor- having what amounted to  _ almost platemail _ helped give you a more commanding presence honestly.

 

The guards, having no other plan, nodding, preparing themselves- and unconsciously doing a  _ ready action _ .

 

Cody stepped up to the block like a track runner ready to break out into a sprint.

 

Luka twirled his sword and lowered his stance- more ready for this then he had ever been canonically.

 

It was then that T felt the chains of combat attach themselves to him and he grinned.

 

**[Initiative: C:9+3 = 12, T: 15-5 = 10, Luka: 16+1 = 17, Soldier 1: 12+2 = 14, Soldier 2: 1+2 = 3, Soldier 3: 11+2 = 13, Granberia: 9+5 = 14 ]**

**[Order: Luka, Soldier 1, Granberia, Soldier 3, Cody, T, Solder 2]**

 

Luka and the Soldier one continued with their readied action, waiting patiently as the standoff continued.

 

And then it was Granberia’s turn...this entire plan hinged on- T grinned as the turn order went to Soldier 3’s.

 

She’d skipped her turn waiting for them to get to her to do stupid anime bullshit to look cool- he fucking  _ knew it _ .

 

Cody’s turn passed- and then it was his.

 

**[Inspiration rolled: Access to Vanguard Strike, and Douse the Flames!]**

  
  


And he grinned- fucking  _ perfect _ RNG, and held his turn, pushing himself down and down and  _ down _ the turn order until- there it goes.

 

Soldier 2 readied his action.

 

Perfect.

 

Then...he walked up, and swung his sword...whilst saying something.

 

“Now!” T said- his attack in the middle of happening as the game  _ burst _ into action, the five other people blasting from their spots and where did they end up?

 

All around Granberia- more precisely, soldier three was right across from him- giving him a flanking bonus as he continued with his action… **[Vanguard Strike]** .

 

\---


End file.
